Hi Alexander. Thank you for this vulnerable share. Without knowing you or your partner, I obviously can't give insight guaranteed to be useful to you, but I will say that your concerns are very similar to what I've heard from a lot of other people struggling to find the version of CNM that works for them.

It sounds like you want something like kitchen table polyamory, where everyone in a polycule can talk about their other relationships, and metamours have a friendly dynamic with each other, while your partner might be more comfortable with parallel polyamory - less to no sharing, no relationship between metamours. I'm personally in your camp. I want to be able to talk about all my relationships with all my partners. I've been chastised that trying to force this on people can be toxic, and I agree with that. But it's extremely important to me, so I make that clear at the outset of new relationships. (Of course, that doesn't prevent problems. Many people say yes to things at the beginning that they actually can't handle later on.)

It also sounds like you might have some internalized shame around your desire for nonmonogamy, as well as attachment fears ("if I'm truthful about who I am and what I want, my partner will stop loving me"), which are things you can address on your own if true. (Apologies if I'm reading you wrong here.) If you do have internal shame around wanting CNM, addressing that and rooting it out will make it easier for you to advocate for yourself and set boundaries that work for you in your relationship with your partner.

But it might just be that she doesn't want to hear about your other partners, and you have to be okay with that - and free of self-inflicted shame - if that's the case. Parallel polyamory gets a bad rap from a lot of hardcore poly folks, but it's actually one of the most workable forms of nonmonogamy for a lot of people. Not everyone needs or wants to know everything about their partners' sex and love lives with other people, and that's okay.

I hope you find a way toward a relationship that feels fulfilling for you sooner than later, and feel free to keep me posted. :)